Cubicle-Induced Evolution

Now that I have graduated and moved to the Real World, I noticed an interesting phenomenon. I think that my observations could be developed into some very important and revolutionary scientific work, but until that time, I will share it with you. This is really cutting edge stuff. I haven’t released my findings to the major journals, but just wait; soon you’ll be reading about Paige’s Theory of Cubicle-Induced Evolution in all the best scientific mags.

The basic theory is this: Modern office workers are adapting stronger senses stemming from the sensory deprivation associated with working in a cubicle. Instead of functioning with senses like those of other humans, these evolving office workers are relying more on other senses to stay aware even while constrained to the cubicle.

Let me explain. The modern office worker’s ears are finely tuned to recognize the slightest whisper from over the cubicle wall. Over time, the ears are trained to perk up at the first syllable whispered within an area three or four cubicles square. This reaction is intensified if the whispered conversation involves the name of the evolved office worker. This reaction can be slightly more advanced for specific evolved office workers (for instance, those named Paige) who are more likely to hear their name in conversation in the office. For example, “Did you go to the Web page?” “Wait a minute, I don’t have page 2.” “He might call back; I just had to page him.”

The evolved office worker quickly learns to identify co-workers by voice and catch phrase. Even bodily noises; sneezes, burps and the occasional fart can be used to identify others in the office. Sighs can identify a co-worker sight unseen. The subtle differences in footsteps can be analyzed to not only identify the person approaching, but calculate his rate of speed and estimate time of arrival at my cubicle.

I've also noticed during my research that it is possible to determine the mood of others in the office with this superworker perception. The sharp intake of air from the guy in the next cubicle is a sure indication that he is stressed. The guy one cube down and two over murmurs when content. The guy all the way across the room swears quietly (like a sailor) when frustrated and swears triumphantly (like a happy sailor) when successful. The guy in the cube around the corner paces when deep in thought, and the guy in the cubicle diagonally across from mine taps his toes when anxious. It's best not to approach the boss when he breathes loudly through his nose (a sure sign he's unhappy).

Even the sense of smell can become stronger when confined to a cubicle. I know that when the guy in the corner smells like reheated Chinese food that he is in the doghouse, and his wife is refusing to bring him lunch at work. The scent of Nutterbutters coming from the cubicle two aisles over means a busy day for the guy who is skipping lunch and snacking from the vending machine.

The only downfall for this evolved office worker is the fact that despite all the other super strong senses, I'm still not totally sure if the vaguely familiar guy I passed at the grocery store works in my office.